June's Website

I Cant Care Anymore

im tired of scrolling through social media, the only community you and i have because we as a trans women dont want to interact with cis people or getting close to them due to the possibility of getting hatecrimed or simply rejected and abandoned. its a simple fear of abandonment or death that leads to trust issues which unfortunately we all share with each other (or at the very least most of us)

even though i scroll and read every day for hours, even though its the only place i belong in or can be myself 100%, i dont care what happens in it, or even outside of it anymore. i cant afford to care about discourse or drama anymore even though ive talked to all these people and theyre all my friends (a stretch to say because i miss their voices, which i havent heard at all, i miss seeing their faces without a screen in between, something that has and will never happen). im tired of opening one of my only ways of interacting with humans and constantly see how corporations, algorithms and mechanical logic all drive us to act out our worst impulses against each other

everywhere I see theres hate and rage about mostly nothing. all thanks to the systems we have been raised in. we cant talk about how the spaces we reside in getting worse and worse in every way without talking about capitalism, we cant talk about holding toxic people accountable and keeping them out of lives without bringing up power and criminality, we cant talk about our own cultures without talking about systemic injustices and imperialism, we cant imagine our future without getting politics and struggles and movements and violence involved

and all of these concepts are very hard to understand, they take years for an expert to get, whats the hope for the rest of us? whats the point of being alive if we can barely comprehend why we are doing this? its why nihilism is present in all of us these days. no human or thing or idea can drive it away from us, we are trapped in a machine of our cognition

and our impulses, our desires, our momentum used against us. we have so much to do in our lives that is squandered by petty scabbles and dissapointments that at the end of the day consist in either blind hate, willful ignorance, or semantics and reading comprehension

as a result even when something important happens, its minimized, i dont care. i honestly couldnt give a fuck about self diagnosing being an issue, a woman being thirsty over fictional characters 4 years younger than her or whatever, people defending a dime a dozen millionaire because he uses his money for marketing charity, a woman being an abuser and rapist, people being assholes to friends or strangers, or even murders in front of my eyes. i saw people getting shot and killed outside my campus a few days ago, and it all felt the same to me. like just another tuesday to live through