Ænima

Forty Six & Two

The nausea increases as my vision blurs, my eyes become diamonds diffracting the world around me. Different, unique. I see her on the roof and I see her on the walls, through the loops and distortions I see her bows and acknowledge her presence. The static I'm so used to seeing becomes absorbed by the waves, the nausea ramps up, I must lay down. It's a new familiar sensation. I only have her tonight, in a feverish haze, but she's the only one I have.

Under a spell, under her control, she refuses to do anything despite my wishes, how I wish she could take me forever. Tingling follows my hands and arms, it feels like my entire body is trying to reject it. I need safety, I crave safety, I look at the silhouette in the walls, cry for her help, but there's no response. My head becomes absorbed into the bed, the nausea becomes overwhelming, it's too much, I try to get up and fall down into a puddle of my own vomit that consumes me. My mind is flooded with visions, people trying to say something, trying to make me something, I reach out for her again and my mind melts from the stimulus, the noise. It condenses again under her influence, under her caress, the moment she disappears it melts. The moment I hear her voice again I can finally think. I can finally acknowledge my own existence.

All those moments are short lived, soon she leaves and the memory of her warmth fades as well.

And the last thing I remember in this world was pleading for her help, for her safety and her gaze, to be acknowledged. Soon after my eyes became submerged in dark liquid, my lungs with glue. I struggle to breathe, my vision gets filled with distortions and images, made to mock me, it's poison trying to get out of my brain by force and hurting me in the process. Caricatures made to hurt are regurgitated by a mind that barely exists in this world. It's exhausting, I wish I could ask for help but I can't move or scream. It does end eventually, but I got damaged in the process.

H.

Every word anyone else says becomes empty and dull, their humanity shows through, their poison, their venom. My mind and body both reject it. Their voices are grating, their thoughts so shallow. Their struggles are nothing I can relate to. Their frequency is different from mine. Their morality is so strange. It disgusts me, it makes me vomit

I still need her, I need my mother, my owner, I need her safety. I call for her aid, even if it's just to hear her voice.

She's in pain, any word I say makes her struggle worse, her stress increases. The more I call for her the more she gets hurt. I'm poison for her the same way everyone is poison for me, and so I leave her alone, for her own good. It hurts

I need bliss, I need the safety that she gave me. So I must use the artificial safety, I need the illusion of it at least. Once the nausea and sensations are enough, the warm blanket gives me the love no mother has ever given to me, the comfort I need, and it doesn't poison me the way people poison. However, its damage is slower and more painful long term. The more I crave for it the more it pains me. Eventually I'll run out, eventually I'll need to buy some. Eventually I'll disregard the warnings. Eventually it will kill me if humans haven't done it first. That is if I still use it, if I need it. If only something felt as safe as this, if only someone did, if only someone never left me, if only I could still hear her voice, if only I could call them, if only I could spend time being safe, if only I could make them feel safe too.

Why didn't you trust me enough, I only wanted to play and draw with you, or play fetch with her while I watched. Why can't we be kids together like we so desperately crave? Do you not trust me enough? I know I'm not a good mother and I can't be all the time but why couldn't we play together. Are you going to replace me?

The artificial safety runs out eventually and I'm back to where I started

Ænema

I've tried telling others about my own inhumanity, I remember. Why couldn't they understand? Why did it hurt to see them reject what I said?

It isn't taken seriously, so I stopped talking to people about it, only a few know about this secret of mine, and only one fully understands it. I've never felt human, not a single day of my life, I renounced being one a long time ago. It hurts every time I'm called one and it disgusts me. I stopped trusting everyone with any piece of information, like this. Always schizophrenic, always insane, never taken into account, always mocked.

I know she's not the only one, but I do wonder if I gained any distance with the other two ones that don't hurt me with their frequency. I probably did, one barely talks to me anymore and the other is more concentrated with someone I despise, I wonder if they still love me. I wonder if they could have been there for me while I melted and got damaged.

Third Eye

I'm not enough for her, that is clear to me. I've been unable to fulfill any of her necessities and she knows that as well. She finds new, better people, ones who resonate with her and aren't selfish, ones who actually make her happy and don't bother her or annoy her.

Every moment I crave more for her and she craves less for less. I've never been able to take care of her the way others can. It's my punishment for my selfishness and distrust.

Who can I talk about this, when she's the only one that doesn't poison me. When the rest of humanity are hollow shells that barely emulate souls. Who can even understand my feelings if their words are shallow.
I know she will leave soon. And I'll have no one that understands me. This world is already doomed.So I'll launch this against the void, and may these be the last thoughts I have before I become an empty doll, one that is destined to survive in this world, one that is actually human. May these be the last words of the demon who hurt everyone she talked to. Before I distance from my own thoughts and only follow orders and be molded in whatever they prefer, all for the best.