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Inhale, Hold, Exhale

Inhale, not as deep as before, it stings. Hold it, check if the pain is there, on your throat, on your chest. Release, relief. Seems better today. Maybe you can afford to take a break today, if it finally comes thanks to it you'll curse yourself from beyond the grave.

The pocket in your backpack opens with relative ease, and the putrid smell (you say it smells great, maybe you've gotten used to it since you were young) reminds you. Old habits die hard, and you still have 5 of them left, more than enough for today. Don't forget your lighter, how can you even smoke if you dont have a lighter. Remember to be stealthy and to get your keys as silently as possible, you'll be scolded if they figure out you snuck away for your fixes.

Going downstairs is always easier, although the adrenaline from sneaking out and the rush you're in make the beat a bit too heavy and fast for your comfort. Stop. Inhale, there's not much pain. Hold it, your throat screams, it's a sprained muscle you think, although there's always the chance of it finally coming. Exhale, feels better. Too late to back out since going back in will make it worse.

Your footsteps have always been a bit too light, you're used to hearing nothing when you walk, but the puddles today make that impossible. Maybe you can focus that away by thinking, surrounding yourself with your thoughts is an effective silencer. But about what?, maybe-oh. There's your spot.

Teardrop

You know this routine, but you're still nervous of dropping one and crying into the sidewalk, steady, the cold makes it difficult but you still need it.

Your heart races. A machine stuck to your throat that deafens everything, but you still want to think. And just like that the same thoughts pop like a bad habit, memories, what could have beens. But you only care about one. The one that taught you how to do this.

You know how you feel about her, just like every single time you've thought about this for the last 3 years. She's your favorite person.

That term makes you feel disgusting, it's a sanitizer for your actions, like saying you're innocent or that you are 100% a victim. The reality is that you have an codependent obsession with someone, not just someone, with her of all people. Not the first time too, since your first, you mean first time you actually were a girl, not just a shallow husk of a man, was your girlfriend, the one you gladly spend time with when you were young and in love, calling each other moirails. Funny, you could have avoided all this trouble if you realized the dynamic was the same as this. It was all too well but then the obsession was instead on a boy for her, you weren't calling anymore. She broke up with you before going back to school. A few months after she got caught stalking him. Then it was her, of all people. You can't think of the things you said, they were disgusting, it's ugly. Couldn't live back then without reducing everything to sex. Then it was the other ones, the military girl you helped stop being in denial and the liar who both got high on cough syrup. You had talks of fucking each other. It still makes you want to vomit. You want to forget the last time you tried giving someone a blowjob for 20 bucks in the back of an alley after she left. Like you could forget how you made men look at you and your pictures and even with all that shame, you felt loved.

You haven't even lighted the cigarette what's wrong with you?

As you inhale the cloud into your lungs the thoughts drift away, like bad dreams that never happened, but she is still there. You want to think it's better, no more flirting, no more lust nor romantic loads in your end. You like to think that it's a boundary, something good, something stopping you from ruining everything and making her run away. You still want some affection.

The smoke fills your lungs with warmness, feels better since it's night. You appreciate her patience, specially when you do something foolish. You guess that she treats you like a child, like an annoying younger sister who can't behave and gets into trouble all the time. You guess that it's also something she may or may not realize, you've talked about it with her. You don't mind it, you really do need it. Makes you feel appreciated and loved maybe.

The Heart races as you take the smoke in once again like an old friend. You're getting nauseous. Maybe it's time to go back in. But you ponder, if its healthy enough, if you don't idolize her and put her in a pedestal like you used to, maybe you kinda forget that shes a horrible person too, but you haven't split on her for a while, that's healthy, you've taken measures so that you don't split on her too, that's healthy. Although you want her to trust you like you trust her, help her like she has helped you. She doesn't want to, maybe for the best. Her life doesn't center around you after all, maybe the best way you can help is by being with her, try to be healthier, change for the better.

*She gets what she deserves*

You don't like that thought, you're always horrible and that hurts you, run back indoors. The pain is back, stressing yourself raises the pressure. Get upstairs, your hands are sweaty. You're always going to be broken. Go up another floor, you start heaving. You're always going to be an awful person. You need to lay down now or else you can't breathe (good). On this floor with god knows what (other than your sins). Just lay down. Inhale, you barely can. (throw yourself off the building). Hold, its all for moot, your death is coming and you will do it alone. Exhale, it has finally come. Once again please you don't want to die alone. Inhale, it feels heavy. Hold, your chest feels like a pressure cooker. Exhale, your sins will never be forgiven. It gets easier after 10 times. Your vision blacks out after standing. Your eyes are tired, trying to get ahold of the stairs is harder than breathing. Your heart is racing, even walking increases your heart rate to 100.

No one noticed you were gone, you lay down in bed, lightheaded, nauseous, weak. The pain is still there but it's getting easier. You don't want to think about anything. You ask her if she wants to call, maybe you can get some rest and then heal in the call.

Maybe you can think in bed. Calling was always important to you. At this point you probably drifted away from everyone who you haven't called with, or spent hours in a meaningless chat. You don't want to admit it but calls are healing to you. It's been more noticeable since they, your family, started being more aggresive to you. You could spend an entire days worth being insulted, hit, belittled, by distant people who would be happier if you died. Then at 5-6 PM call with her, and it be a good day only because of that.

Maybe you want to sanitize your sins today, she's your favorite person, she may or may not know that, just abstract away the complexities today and stop thinking, you need to rest.